Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
