What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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