is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
she looked like the before picture.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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