I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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