A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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