his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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