my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
