i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
