Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
