I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
