My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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