Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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