I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
