i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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