I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
did i just pee glitter
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
