yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor