i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
