Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
