The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
