did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
