Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
