a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
