i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Dear god my vagina.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
