My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
