I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
