using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Even my vagina gasped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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