i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
