So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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