my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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