He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
# Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.