The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
