I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
