Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
