I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
