please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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