Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
