My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How many fucks given?
0.12846
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
