he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
