I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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