you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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