Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
