i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
