i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
