I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
