Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
