i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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