I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
