Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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