She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
