Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
