Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
