WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
