my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
