i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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