Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
