she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
