i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
